Whitey's Elephant
Fiction by Paul Ryan O'Connor
Hello, Callers! Thank you for being here.
Just in time for Christmas, we have a new story from Paul Ryan O’Connor about a mafia holiday gift exchange. If you think your family’s hard to shop for, try buying for this one…
Whitey’s Elephant
DECEMBER 24
FILE NUMBER: 129B-7022
PLACE: Business office of The Landing Strip, located on Division Street in Elizabeth, New
Jersey, near Newark Liberty International Airport
TIME: 10:13 P.M.
PARTICIPANTS: WHITEY DEMAYO, SONNY GALANTE, DONNIE TOMASULO, JOEY
(NO NOSE) LOMBARDO, PAULIE (MUMBLES) RUGGIERO, HUMP TOMASULO
TRANSCRIPT BEGINS
(Door slams)
WHITEY: – ratted him out, just like that. What happened to family?
HUMP: Family used to mean something.
WHITEY: Kids won’t pay their dues. Think they deserve a Cadillac at twenty-two because they see one on Insta-whatever. In a hurry to go nowhere.
HUMP: We were in a hurry too.
WHITEY: Yeah, but we built something. And we took care of the family, we still do. Even when they maybe don’t deserve it.
HUMP: It’s not where you start out. It’s where you end up.
WHITEY: Damn straight.
HUMP: Here’s one of them right now.
WHITEY: Oh! It’s Sonny!
SONNY: Where I put this down?
WHITEY: Hell if I know.
HUMP: Donnie wants everything on the table, right there, with the others.
(Thumping Sound)
WHITEY: You’re early.
HUMP: Sonny knows there’s presents, that must be why. Merry Christmas, kid.
SONNY: I didn’t want to be late again, boss.
WHITEY: You never been early a day in your life. You kids always looking at your phone, don’t they have the time on there?
SONNY: I’m early! Why you breaking my balls?
HUMP: C’mere, kid. (Inaudible). How’s your mom? You give her my love.
SONNY: Thanks, Hump, I will.
WHITEY: What’d you get me?
SONNY: You’re gonna love it, boss.
WHITEY: What is it?
HUMP: We’re supposed to wait. Donnie said to wait.
WHITEY: Who cares what Donnie says?
HUMP: It’s for the game. Donnie said.
SONNY: You can have mine, Whitey. I want you to have it.
HUMP: We gotta wait.
(Door slams)
WHITEY: Oh! Look who’s here – it's Murder, Incorporated.
JOEY NO NOSE: Merry Christmas, boss.
PAULIE MUMBLES: (Inaudible)
SONNY: Where’s Donnie? I want to start.
JOEY NO NOSE: He’s up front. Some hassle with the girls.
HUMP: Get those girls in here. Start the party.
WHITEY: You want another heart attack, old man?
HUMP: I’ll show you how it’s done.
WHITEY: You just might!
(Inaudible)
WHITEY: Somebody get Donnie.
PAULIE MUMBLES: (Shouting – inaudible)
(Door slams)
DONNIE: Those girls are killing me.
SONNY: Be careful what you wish for, yeah?
DONNIE: I wanted to run a business.
JOEY NO NOSE: Donnie, don’t tell us you’re not getting some.
DONNIE: I don’t. Not here.
JOEY NO NOSE: Our girls aren’t good enough for you?
DONNIE: I don’t do that at work. You don’t mix it.
HUMP: That’s my favorite grand-nephew. Smart, like his mom.
JOEY NO NOSE: You’re missin’ out.
WHITEY: We doing this or what?
DONNIE: Yes, boss. Let me count.
SONNY: (Coughs)
DONNIE: We’re short one gift.
PAULIE MUMBLES: (Inaudible)
DONNIE: What did he say?
JOEY NO NOSE: He said it’s too big, he left his in the hall.
DONNIE: He was supposed to keep it under $500.
PAULIE MUMBLES: (Inaudible)
SONNY: I can’t understand a thing he says.
(Inaudible – all talking)
WHITEY: Put that thing away, he didn’t mean nothing by it.
PAULIE MUMBLES: (Inaudible)
WHITEY: Say you’re sorry, Sonny.
SONNY: How come I’m always the one that has to be sorry all the time?
WHITEY: Just do it, it’s Christmas. Capisce?
(Inaudible)
SONNY: I’m sorry, Paulie.
WHITEY: You too, Paulie.
PAULIE MUMBLES: (Inaudible)
WHITEY: OK, that’s good as we’re gonna get.
HUMP: Start the game, Donnie.
WHITEY: Yeah, what did everybody get me?
SONNY: Take mine, boss.
DONNIE: It’s not like that. We take turns.
WHITEY: Turns?
DONNIE: It’s a game. It’s called a White Elephant gift exchange. We did it when I had that job at the Food Workers’ last year.
SONNY: I can’t believe you showed up for that.
DONNIE: I was learning.
SONNY: What’s the point of a no-show job if you show?
HUMP: Tell them the rules, Donnie.
DONNIE: Everybody gets a number. Then you go in order. You take a gift from the table, or you steal one somebody’s already got.
WHITEY: I like the sound of that.
(Laughter)
DONNIE: After everybody has a gift, the first guy can make one more swap, then we’re done.
HUMP: Then the girls come in.
WHITEY: And Sonny goes out.
SONNY: Why do I have to go?
WHITEY: You’re not ready for those girls. You even shave yet?
(Laughter)
HUMP: He’s just breaking your balls, Sonny.
SONNY: Well why’s it always gotta be me?
WHITEY: I’m toughening you up.
SONNY: For what?
WHITEY: You’ll see.
JOEY NO NOSE: So we doin’ this or what?
DONNIE: I have numbers for everybody.
WHITEY: I want that one, the bottle.
DONNIE: Boss, you’re not first.
WHITEY: You’re telling me I’m not first?
(Inaudible)
WHITEY: Give me the bottle, what is this?
HUMP: Whiskey. Redbreast 27. I brought it.
WHITEY: Now that is a fine gift. You did good, old man, salut.
HUMP: Merry Christmas, Whitey.
JOEY NO NOSE: Who goes next?
DONNIE: Whitey took Sonny’s turn, so I guess Sonny goes next.
SONNY: What about this big box?
WHITEY: What about it?
SONNY: Is it a present? It isn’t wrapped.
WHITEY: Who has time to wrap something?
SONNY: Looks like you used a meat box. What’s inside?
JOEY NO NOSE: Cripes, kid, just open it already.
SONNY: All right, all right.
(Inaudible)
SONNY: It’s meat.
(Laughter)
HUMP: What did you expect?
SONNY: It’s a big box. I thought it was something big.
WHITEY: They’re Wagyu!
PAULIE MUMBLES: Wagyu is exceptional.
WHITEY: Best hot dogs in the world, that was my gift I brought. Twelve packs in there.
SONNY: I count eleven.
WHITEY: Maybe I forgot one. You’re welcome.
(Inaudible)
WHITEY: What?
SONNY: I said thanks, boss.
WHITEY: You better say thanks.
SONNY: I did!
WHITEY: Tryin’ to teach you somethin’ but you won’t learn.
SONNY: I said thanks. Thanks, already!
HUMP: It’s all right, Sonny.
SONNY: Let me give you my gift, Whitey.
DONNIE: That’s not how it works, Sonny. Joey’s next. He gets to pick a gift or steal one.
JOEY NO NOSE: I ain’t stealing no hot dogs!
(Laughter)
HUMP: Where you going?
JOEY NO NOSE: Out in the hall. I know what Paulie brought.
(Door slams)
HUMP: What are those?
JOEY NO NOSE: PXG clubs. Finest golf clubs in the world.
HUMP: A whole bag?
JOEY NO NOSE: Fourteen clubs, stand bag, even got a dozen balls. I helped Paulie bring it in from the car. I’m choosing it.
DONNIE: That’s a lot more than $500.
WHITEY: How much more?
DONNIE: A lot more. You were supposed to keep the gifts under $500. And you’re supposed to get fitted first for clubs that nice.
WHITEY: Give them here. I’m stealing.
DONNIE: That’s not how it works. You can only steal on your turn.
WHITEY: You’re gonna tell me how to steal? They’re mine.
HUMP: You don’t even play golf.
WHITEY: I’m gonna start.
(Inaudible)
WHITEY: What you say, Sonny?
SONNY: Nothing, boss.
WHITEY: No, I heard you say something. What did you say?
(Long silence)
SONNY: I just think Joey should keep the clubs, is all.
JOEY NO NOSE: The boss stole them, that’s fair.
SONNY: It’s not fair. Whitey doesn’t need the clubs.
WHITEY: Oh! Listen to this kid!
(Inaudible – all talking)
SONNY: But that’s the problem. You guys that came first, you already got everything. How are guys like us supposed to get ours?
JOEY NO NOSE: Leave me out of it, kid.
HUMP: You’re just mad because you got hot dogs.
(Laughter)
SONNY: (Inaudible)
WHITEY: What was that?
SONNY: Nothing, boss.
DONNIE: It’s your turn, Hump.
HUMP: Gimme a girl.
DONNIE: Later. You pick from the table.
HUMP: How about this one, that Sonny brought?
SONNY: It’s for Whitey.
DONNIE: That’s not how it works, Sonny. Hump can pick the one he wants, or steal.
HUMP: Well I’m not stealing those clubs away from Whitey!
(Laughter)
HUMP: All right, Sonny, you don’t want me to take your present. Fine. What’s this?
JOEY NO NOSE: That one’s from me.
HUMP: Will I like it?
JOEY NO NOSE: You’ll love it.
(CRUMPLING SOUNDS)
HUMP: What is it?
WHITEY: Looks like a speaker.
JOEY NO NOSE: It’s a Balmuda.
HUMP: What’s a Balmuda?
JOEY NO NOSE: It’s a speaker.
HUMP: What the hell I’m gonna do with a speaker?
JOEY NO NOSE: You play music through it. You connect to it with your phone.
WHITEY: I don’t like phones.
JOEY NO NOSE: Look, it’s got three-dimensional sound, and LED lights that go to the music. It’s like a Pink Floyd laser show.
HUMP: Pink Floyd from South Orange?
JOEY NO NOSE: No!
WHITEY: Is it like those Alexa speakers? Jenny had one, we’re on the couch watching the shrieking housewives and Jenny asks this question and her speaker answers it, just like that. Then I rip it out of the wall and Jenny is crying and I say, what are you, crazy, got a speaker listening to us all this time?
(Crashing sound)
(Inaudible – all shouting)
JOEY NO NOSE: Sorry, Whitey, I didn’t think of that. I never plugged the Balmuda in but I smashed it to make sure.
HUMP: I think you bent Whitey’s golf club.
JOEY NO NOSE: I’ll fix it. And I’ll get you something else, Hump.
HUMP: Yes you will.
WHITEY: Take notes, Sonny, that’s how you treat family.
SONNY: That how it was, Hump, for you and Whitey?
HUMP: There was always respect.
SONNY: Was that respect, back in the day, with Jimmy Eggs and Tony? Weren’t they family?
WHITEY: Oh! Listen to this kid!
HUMP: We don’t talk about those pricks, Sonny, not ever.
SONNY: But that’s how you did it, right? That’s how you got ahead?
HUMP: Sonny …
SONNY: You took it from the guys before you.
WHITEY: We did our jobs. You should try it some time.
SONNY: Maybe I will.
HUMP: Take it easy, you guys. It’s Christmas.
(Inaudible)
HUMP: Tell him, Whitey.
WHITEY: Now I don’t want to do it.
SONNY: Do what?
HUMP: Whitey’s got another gift for you, kid.
WHITEY: Yeah, and it ain’t hot dogs.
SONNY: I don’t get it.
WHITEY: Maybe you shouldn’t!
HUMP: C’mon, Whitey. Tell him.
WHITEY: I’m giving you the carwash.
SONNY: You what?
HUMP: It’s a good cash business. To get you a leg up. Whitey still gets his share and I do too. But you put in the work and you can make it something.
SONNY: You’d do that for me, boss?
WHITEY: We’re family.
SONNY: I don’t know what to say.
WHITEY: Start with saying thanks.
(Inaudible)
WHITEY: Oh! I think Sonny’s tearing up!
HUMP: Merry Christmas, Sonny. You do a good job, now. Make us proud. Remember it’s not where you start – it’s where you end up.
JOEY NO NOSE: Is that it?
HUMP: Bring in the girls!
DONNIE: We’re not done. It’s my turn. Two presents are left, and one of them is mine. Or I could steal something.
WHITEY: Keep your eyes off my whisky.
DONNIE: I’ll take Sonny’s gift, then.
SONNY: Donnie, I didn’t understand this whole gift thing. Just skip mine. I’ll make it up to you.
DONNIE: I can’t pick my own. Give it to me.
SONNY: (Inaudible)
(Tearing sounds)
HUMP: What the hell is that?
SONNY: It’s a white elephant.
DONNIE: We can see that.
SONNY: It’s a white elephant. A statue. Got it in New York, little shop on W 44th. It’s antique.
DONNIE: It is unique, I’ll give you that.
SONNY: I thought that’s what we were supposed to get. Elephant for a White Elephant thing.
DONNIE: Sure.
SONNY: Let me return it, I’ll get you something better.
PAULIE MUMBLES: (Inaudible)
JOEY NO NOSE: Sure, Paulie, you can go next.
PAULIE MUMBLES: Steal (inaudible) elephant. My mom (inaudible) might like it.
DONNIE: Good, take it, then I can go again.
SONNY: No! I’m gonna replace it!
PAULIE MUMBLES: (Inaudible)
SONNY: You can’t give it to your mom. She’s no good for it!
PAULIE MUMBLES: (Inaudible)
(Inaudible – shouting)
WHITEY: Damnit, Paulie, I said put that thing away! You, too, Joey!
(Inaudible – all talking)
WHITEY: Paulie you want the elephant, take the damn elephant. And Sonny, apologize for what you said about Paulie’s mom.
SONNY: I didn’t say anything about her!
WHITEY: Apologize anyway. We’re family.
SONNY: I’m sorry, Paulie. I just don’t think it’s for her, is all.
PAULIE MUMBLES: (Inaudible)
JOEY NO NOSE: (Whisper) Easy Paulie. We’ll handle it later.
HUMP: Time for the girls?
DONNIE: I get another turn. But all that’s left is the gift I bought.
HUMP: So take it.
DONNIE: It doesn’t work that way.
HUMP: Then steal something. You can do that, right?
DONNIE: I … don’t think that’s gone well, so far.
JOEY NO NOSE: Then bring in the girls.
HUMP: Yeah, the girls!
DONNIE: Technically, Whitey went first, so he can make one last steal.
WHITEY: Nah, I’m good. I don’t want any of your stuff. Plus Sonny would get mad, us old guys taking all the good stuff again.
SONNY: I’m sorry about that, boss. I was out of line.
WHITEY: It’s all right, Sonny. You’re a good kid.
JOEY NO NOSE: So we’re done?
DONNIE: If Whitey doesn’t want to steal, then yes, we’re done.
SONNY: I’m stealing the elephant.
JOEY NO NOSE: Again with the elephant? First only Whitey can have it, now nobody can?
SONNY: It’s just no good! I picked the wrong thing, before I knew about the carwash. I want to make it right.
PAULIE MUMBLES: (Inaudible)
DONNIE: If Paulie wants the elephant he can keep it. He stole it by the rules.
SONNY: I screwed up! I’m taking it back!
(Inaudible – shouting)
(Heavy thump – table goes over? – something shatters)
WHITEY: Damnit, Sonny, put your gun away!
SONNY: Tell Paulie! He drew first!
HUMP: What the hell is that?
JOEY NO NOSE: The elephant. They broke it.
HUMP: Yeah, I know, but what is that inside?
WHITEY: Looks like –
(Inaudible)
WHITEY: You son of (inaudible) you’re dead, you trying to plant a (inaudible) microphone inside your (inaudible) elephant.
JOEY NO NOSE: Sonny’s a rat!
SONNY: I could of given it back! It wasn’t too late!
(Inaudible – all shouting)
HUMP: The light’s blinking! It’s recording right now!
PAULIE MUMBLES: (Inaudible)
WHITEY: We’re supposed to be family!
SONNY: I screwed up! I’ll take that pinch the way you wanted, I’ll protect you!
(Shouting — inaudible)
WHITEY: Selling out your family? You can’t walk that back.
(Gunfire)
SONNY: I was getting mine, just like you did!
HUMP: That’s not … the way we did it …
(Gunfire)
SONNY: Let me … make it right, boss. Please!
WHITEY: Carwash is all it takes to give you a change of heart? You meant that bug for me!
(Gunfire)
WHITEY: Talk to me, Hump.
HUMP (Whisper): Girls … here?
WHITEY: Yeah, the girls … are here.
HUMP (Whisper): Get this … party started.
WHITEY (Whisper): Hold my hand, old man.
(Long silence)
HUMP (Whisper): It’s not where you start … it’s where you end up.
(Knocking)
(Door slams)
(Girls scream)
TRANSCRIPT CONCLUDES
Paul Ryan O’Connor is a frequent contributor to Ellery Queen’s Mystery Magazine, where his debut short story — “Teddy’s Favorite Thing” — was voted a 2023 Readers Award, and earned a Derringer nomination from the Short Mystery Fiction Society. He has also been published by Mystery Magazine, Pulp Asylum, and Shotgun Honey. Before turning to a life of crime (writing) Paul spent decades writing for video games, most recently as Game Director for Amazon’s Lord of the Rings MMO. Paul is an active member of the Mystery Writers of America, and lives in Carlsbad, California, where he perpetually re-writes his first novel. Find him online at paulryanoconnor.com.
Fun story! White elephant parties will never be the same. 😆